and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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