Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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