how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
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I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
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Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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