somebody snuck up and got me drunk
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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