I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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