I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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