I can tuck mytits in my pants
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
