There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
