I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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