i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
