This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
