You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
