I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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