I must be too annoying 4 u.
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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