I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
