i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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