I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
