I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
