There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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