if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
