Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
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I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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