Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dear god my vagina.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
