Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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