i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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