Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize