Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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