On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
