In the future we'll all be gay
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
