We won't sleep together?
I just gift wrapped bread.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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