I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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