I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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