So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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