The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize