it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
