i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
