well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
