Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
