why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
