Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
