Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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