i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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