I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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