Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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