R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
