I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
