i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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