Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
