i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...