your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
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My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
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Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I don't want my vagina anymore.