I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
