I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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