Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
