you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
