she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
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i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
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I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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