So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
