I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
