Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help