I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
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She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
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The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.